You need a new rulebook. Whether your child is moving away for university or staying home
while studying, your role as a parent is shifting—and so must your hat.
If you’re anything like me, you probably read every book on pregnancy, sleep training, and
toddler tantrums. But when it comes to parenting a university student? There’s no manual. (P.S. I
really should write one.)
This new phase is full of wonder, many “firsts” and glimpses of your child’s maturing mind. It’s
exciting—and emotional. You’ll likely feel that familiar tug on the umbilical cord, urging you to
parachute in and rescue. But here’s the truth: that instinct, while rooted in love, doesn’t always
help your relationship or their growth.
Your New Hat: From Manager to Consultant
University is a time of self-discovery. Independence is the goal, and with that comes the freedom
to make mistakes—and learn from them. As parents, our job is to step back just enough to allow
for those crucial learning moments.
It doesn’t mean you’re not needed. You’re still an emotional lifeline. But instead of playing
lifeguard—constantly scanning Find My iPhone or jumping in at the first sign of stress—try
showing your trust by stepping back. Actions speak louder than words.
Support Through Curiosity, Not Control
If you’re in a support role, approach with curiosity. Ask how they’re feeling, what they’re
thinking, what they believe the next step might be. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Bite
your tongue (hard, if needed) as they practice articulating their own problem-solving process.
Remember, your student is exploring life with more freedom. That might include becoming
sexually active, attending parties, surviving on Mr. Noodles, or staying up too late glued to a
screen. These aren’t crises—they’re age-appropriate steps in boundary-testing and growth.
Let them call you
It’s tempting to check in constantly, but if your child isn’t the chatty type, consider setting up aweekly call. Create space for them to reach out rather than always initiating contact yourself.
Ask yourself: Am I texting them because they need support—or because I’m feeling anxious?
Your child will pick up on your trust (or lack of it) more through your behaviour than your words.
You've Done the Work—Now Trust It
You’ve laid the foundation: the lessons, the love, the modelling—imperfect but “good enough.”
Now, it’s time to take your hands off the wheel. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you’ll worry. But be proud
that your child is ready to take this step. You’ve had a hand in building the confidence that got
them there.
And when you feel the need to reach out for comfort, find a friend, a partner, or a therapist to
lean on—not your child. Ask yourself honestly: Is this contact for their sake, or mine?
From a mom and therapist who has sent three little chickens off to university (out of province, no
less): you will survive this transition. And when they come home after that first year, you’ll
notice a new version of them—more grown-up, more independent… and yes, still leaving a mess
in the kitchen.
xx, Tasha Belix
Registered Psychologist
