Most separation and divorce guidance starts with the assumption that parents will “co-parent well.” Ideally, co-parenting includes open and clear communication that is respectful and collaborative. This style of co-parenting is associated with better outcomes for children.
Co-parenting works best when both households communicate well, share responsibilities, and present a unified approach for the children. However, that level of collaboration isn’t always possible. In those cases, shifting toward a parallel parenting approach, where each parent manages their own household independently with clear boundaries, can create more stability and reduce stress for everyone involved.
Decades of research consistently demonstrates that chronic interparental conflict is one of the strongest predictors of emotional and behavioural difficulties in children.
Children and teens don’t just “witness” conflict; they experience it in their bodies, emotions, and relationships. If you are a parent in the high-conflict cycle, you likely also experience it in your body, emotions, and relationships.
In one example from my own experience, there was a period when my co-parent’s involvement was intermittent and everyday items like clothing and toiletries weren’t being provided during his parenting time, as the kids would grow considerably between the yearly visits. To make sure the children had what they needed, I encouraged them to pack the items they needed and bring them along (classic positive co-parenting move!).
Unintentionally, this created confusion for the children. They were hearing from the other parent that because child support was being paid, he had purchased the items for them. Situations like this can arise quite easily when communication between households isn’t aligned, and it highlights how important clear boundaries are for children navigating two homes.
In addition, we had a long-standing routine in our home: when the children returned from time away, whether from a vacation, trip, or visit, we would unpack and wash everything before putting it away. It was simply part of how our household stayed organized. At one point, this routine was shared with the other parent and misinterpreted as me assuming the other parent was “dirty”, and quickly became a source of mixed messages and anxiety for the children. This highlighted to me how easily everyday habits can be interpreted differently across households, and that my attempt at being a helpful co-parent was not in the children’s best interest.
Experiences like these reinforced the importance of creating clarity.
I set a straightforward boundary: each household would be responsible for providing clothing and toiletries during their own parenting time. This small shift helped reduce confusion, minimized back-and-forth communication, and most importantly, reduced the risk of the children being caught in the middle.
The takeaway is that while co-parenting is often the goal, parallel parenting can be a healthy and effective alternative when collaboration is challenging. Clear expectations, consistent routines, and defined responsibilities allow children to feel secure in both homes, without needing to navigate adult misinterpretations.
Parallel parenting is about thoughtful disengagement from conflict, so that parenting energy is spent where it matters most – the children.
Parallel parenting reduces the need for frequent communication and limits opportunities for disagreement. Information shared between parents is typically brief, factual, and focused only on what is necessary for the children’s well-being. The best modality for parallel parenting communication is through structured methods like email or parenting apps rather than in-person or emotional exchanges (check out Our Family Wizard!).
The value of parallel parenting is that it allows each parent to show up more calmly and consistently in their own home, without being pulled into ongoing tension or reacting to the other parent’s choices.
The focus shifts to creating a stable, predictable environment for the children during one’s own parenting time. This can be especially important in high-conflict situations, where attempts at collaboration often lead to emotional “blowback” (arguments, defensiveness, or misunderstandings) that spill over and affect the children. By creating space between households, parallel parenting helps reduce spillover.
As a registered psychologist with both professional training and lived experience, I work with parents who are navigating high-conflict co-parenting and want to move toward a more manageable parallel parenting approach. I can help you build practical skills to stay grounded, regulate your emotional responses, and set clear, healthy boundaries.
If this sounds like where you’re at, I offer a brief 15-minute consultation call to see if we’re a good fit. I’d be glad to connect and support you as you find a way forward in your co-parenting journey.
Heather Alexander
Registered Psychologist
