The song “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” should honestly come with a warning label. For many families, the holidays are stressful even at the best of times – full of pressure, expectations, and emotion. Add in a recent separation or divorce, and this season can feel especially heavy. When the media bombards us with images of “the perfect family”, it can be quite deflating. Your family is in a transition, not much different than heading into a holiday, having recently lost a loved one. It may feel heavy… And to be honest, going into the holidays, with some grief, is more like a real family, it just doesn’t show up in mainstream media – but it should.
Preserve your energy
If your family celebrates Christmas, remember: it’s one day out of 365. You are still a parent the other 364 days, and your well-being matters. Be honest with the people around you about your priority this year -taking care of yourself and your children.
This may not be the year a tired single parent needs to drive two hours for a family dinner. Consider creating alternatives that protect your energy. Could you host a low-key family potluck instead? Could you shorten visits, or schedule them at times that work better for you and your kids?
Avoid Over-Spending or Over-Scheduling
It can be tempting to fill the calendar with events or spend more money than usual to compensate for the emotional weight of the season. Guilt can drive lots of unhealthy choices. But no gift can “fix” grief, and no whirlwind of activities can erase what has changed. Families change and they adjust to a new normal with time. Your consistency, over time, is a gift.
Instead, focus on meaningful connection. Invite friends for a game night. Try out a new family ritual. If you always went to your in-laws for Christmas Eve, maybe this year you order Chinese food and play Catan. Thoughtful, simple traditions can be just as grounding, sometimes more so, than the old ones.
Talk about what the holidays could look like
Have a conversation ahead of time about what each family member hopes for. Ask your kids to choose one meaningful or fun thing they’d like to do this season. Create a loose calendar that includes small activities, quiet downtime, and room for flexibility. New traditions are best created together and everyone’s contribution should be considered if possible. Send the message of being a united family, where everyone’s voice has is heard, because this is the most effective approach to weather the inevitable bumps in life and grow resilience.
Be mindful of the other parent's time
Try not to over-do late nights, heavy meals, or constant visiting. The goal is to set your kids -and the other parent -up for success. This is everyone’s holiday, and your children deserve to arrive at their next home rested enough to enjoy it. Leave a little gas in the tank.
Be connected to your kids' feelings
Make space for quieter moments to check in with your children. Ask how they’re doing with the changes, then listen, really listen. Validate their feelings, even if what hurts the most is missing the other parent. Their grief is real and deserves gentle attention. It is this precise kind of emotional connection, that allows families to show their resilience and heal through changes. There may the inclination to avoid the tough conversations, but I assure you, if you don’t say anything, it may be interpreted like you don’t care.
As an idea… write a little letter to each of your kids and leave it in their room, to read at their leisure. You could acknowledge the change in family (the pink elephant) and how hard it might be on him/her to manage all of it, how you are always there to listen even if it about a way you need to do differently, and offer concrete strengths and assets you see in your child. Let them know that you will get through this time together and your love for them hasn’t changed.
Give yourself grace
You are going through a transition, too. Allow yourself to feel your feelings—take a quiet walk, journal, have a good cry in a warm bath. None of this needs to be perfect. What matters is that you offer yourself and your children the gift of presence, not perfection. By being human and setting boundaries that work for you at this time, you are teaching an invaluable gift, that is practical and needed in life.
If you need support, reach out
Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is hard, and you don’t have to do it alone. We are a team of compassionate humans who are also compassionate psychologists, here to support families and individuals through challenging seasons. Reach out to us to learn more about how we can support you and your family during this transitional time.
xx Tasha
Clinical Director, Author, Speaker & Psychologist
